I am thinking about adopting kids.
Well, I mean, I've been thinking about it since I was a kid myself. But I just got assigned my social worker (we're playing phone tag) It's freaky.
I have friends who are further along in the process than I am - their homestudy is all written, but they haven't discussed any specific kids yet. We're both doing the county adoption program, so we're not looking at babies, and we're not necessarily looking at only one (though I only have one extra bedroom, and am only one person, so I may not be allowed to adopt a sibling group).
They talked about how freaky it was to have someone evaluating their ability to parent. Usually people don't get to pass judgement on such an intimate part of your life, and especially if you're not actually intimate with them.
I didn't really get it, but now I do. Even though it hasn't started yet. I'm terrified to sort of lay it all out there for this woman who I don't know and have her basically "grade" me as a potential parent.
And that's not even the half of it. How much does your life change when you have kids? It seems unfathomable. And then, what if they're not even people you got a chance to "know" in utero, before you could really know them? And then what if they actually have 2, 5, 10 years of life experience that didnt' include you? and all the pains and fears and walls that come with some of those experiences (if it had been a rosy experience, they wouldn't be looking for new parents), and what if there are three of them? And how do you ever feel ready for that? How do you find the fortitude to do it even though you never really feel ready?