feelin' random

It's a lovely day out, but I'm apparently burned out on lovely days, or something. There's this weird pressure to be outside, doing things. No bugs, no rain, not too hot, not cold...

but, I don't know, I planted my last tomato and watered stuff, I've got blueberry plants I have to get in the ground but that's a big project and I'm feeling a bit wimpy today I guess. I think I'll do that tomorrow morning.

My dog, Robin, pottys in the house (both kinds, I think), and is terrified of being in trouble. It's not a good combination. I've starting putting her in a crate when I go out, but she HATES it, it's a bad scene all around. This is her.



She's very cute, and very sweet, so I feel bad when I find myself hating her. sigh.

I biked downtown today for a job interview. I live in the city, but in an area with yards and things, a few miles from city center. It was hotter downtown than in my neighborhood. freaked me out. I get the whole "heat island" thing on a new level. Usually I think it's so hot I don't notice the difference, or too cool, or whatever.

My interview went better than any I've had yet. Meaning mostly that I don't think the woman was sitting there thinking "WHY am I even interviewing this person?" - but we'll see. Job hunting is totally demoralizing (at least after the first few weeks) just so you know.

I've been driving more than I want to, I'm such a car addict. It's sad. And I don't get it, because biking is just better I mean, even if it wasn't better for the planet and my figure (ha!) it's just more fun andd I'm less cranky when I do more of it. Hard to remember all that sometimes though.

gratuitous photo of maddy because it's the cutest thing ever:

Everyday life (sort of)

So, I've been pondering about posting. I'm not feeling very deep or like I have spiritual insight to share right now, but there's something - a desire for whatever scant connection the internet provides? (that's sort of sad) in me that wants to post something.


And, I often say, and people I really respect say, that the divine/spiritual isn't really seperable from regular life. But then really, on a spiritual blog, you don't expectto hear about grocery shopping, or even necessarily emotions (that one in particular bothered me)

I just posted something that I had written and saved as a draft months ago (almost) - I think I saved it cause it was too raw, and with no answers to boot.

I find that one of my bigger struggles in life is being "too emotional" - I'm not sure what to think about that. I spend a lot of my time trying to repress or gloss over what's really going on with me, because people think I'm insane if I don't. No, I don't have chopped up bodies in my basement. It's just that I hate people sometimes, I'm bad at getting over breakups, I'm often profoundly moved by things other people ignore (and often I totally miss things other people are profoundly moved by, it's not a universal law or anything)

I asked some friends in my meeting recently about having a clearness committee with other people in the meeting (I haven't yet asked the other people I have in mind, though) I was wondering if couples who break up do this when they both want to stay at meeting - how do you deal with having "negative" feelings towards other people in meeting? How do you even deal with a void where there was once what you thought of as intimacy? In any case, they both seemed uncomfortable with the idea, and seemed to have a concern that my goal was to badmouth someone and hurt their "standing" or something in meeting. I still don't quite get this, as my goal was to have them there and have it be a mutual process)

so, I wonder as a community if there's an expectation that we all paste on smiles and if they're not genuine, that's okay? (I have to say I didn't ask the community, so it's not a fair characterization, on the other hand, the folks I asked have served on Ministry and Counsel, so I assume their views can be taken as somewhat representative of how M&C would respond)

certainly dealing with problems is often unpleasant and ugly. Are other people just better at letting go of things? How can I possibly learn to be so?

First Day School end of year

Yesterday was the end of first day school for another year. All the teacher folk got roses, which was really lovely (and cheaper than t-shirts, which I have loved, but am ambivalent about - they waste resources and are often made in sweatshops, and I think I'm one of the few people who wear mine regularly.)

We went around the room and asked the kids to say one thing they liked about the year and one thing that needed improvement. It started to look as if everyone would say they liked going to the coffee shop down the street, but we imposed a ban after the first four. so, coffee shop, lock-ins (sleepovers) and talking were basically the good things. a desire to paint the room and have fewer movies and no video games at lockins (a constant battle) were the main "needs improvement" areas. My favorite comment was on how much one kid appreciated the "randomness" of our class :)

I think I secretly like that too.

I'm trying to remember what we talked about. hmmmmm....

We went rock climbing on saturday, at a climbing gym. I wasn't going to try it, but couldn't stay away. Still, I couldn't make it further than halfway up any climbing wall, and seriously envied a girl who had come with friends from our class, must have weighed 50#, and could scamble up anything in moments. Two days later my arms are really sore! I spent a lot of my time talking to a gym employee about God. Mostly I talked. She goes to a local christian college and seems to hold significantly more "traditional" views than I do, but was very respectful and interested, if occasionally a little shocked ("but the Bible says....", or, "how can you not care what happens when you die?") It was a very good interaction for me, who can hole up and isolate a bit, at least theologically.

Weird Dream

I had a dream last night that I was at Northern Yearly Meeting and we were discussing having hired ministers / representatives - either for NYM or nationally, maybe both? I don't remember.

Anyway, Jesus was there (not glowing or anything, just another guy, though in long robes and sandals) and was "running" for this proposed office.

I was adamantaly opposed to changing the proscription on paid clergy. In the dream I think it didn't even occur to me that it was weird that it was Jesus we were talking about.

Hmmmm...

I NEVER dream about Jesus.