Wednesday, August 01, 2007

passing through a hellish time in order to be broken open

Liz just said that in a comment below on the "Fire" post.

I guess that's it, and I want the growth that comes afterwads, but not the hellish time.

I resist so hard, and I don't even know how to stop resisting. It's like all those muscles have been frozen in place for a long, long time.

And, what if you're broken open and all that happens is that everything falls apart? What if the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train?



Plain Foolish said...

I had the oddest thought as I read this - talking about muscles and resistance. I used to be a competitive swimmer - distance and backstroke. And as a swimmer, strength and flexibility were equally important, so I used working against resistance in different ways to train my muscles.

I swam while wearing a couple of "drag suits" (You take an old competitive swimsuit that has been half dissolved by the chorine and layer it over a swimsuit without holes. sometimes, you layer 2 or even more over your practice suit. The top one is usually baggy and full of holes, and just grabs the water, slowing you down.)

I pushed against walls. I got my teammates to help me with "assisted stretches" where they would take hold of my hand and move my arm in ways that I could not. I would use walls and bars to stretch muscles in ways that could only be accomplished with that firm resistance.

I don't know how much sense this makes, but sometimes resisting *is* necessary, and *is* part of what helps us grow and develop. If I'm in the ocean and want to be on shore, I can relax and let the waves carry me if I'm in the right place for that, but if I'm not, I'd better swim.

I think perhaps the secret is in figuring out where you are relative to where you need to be. *hugs*

David Carl said...

what I find helpful in dealing with resistance is to put all my energy into noticing it. If your whole mind (or as much as you can muster) is occupied with observing resistance, there's little left over for resisting it. Once resistance is unresisted, there can be integration.

earthfreak (Pam) said...

thanks both! I love both ideas. I think they may help.

I have always been one to test the water before jumping in, to hesitate and just make it worse until I've made it as unbearable as my fear of what's to come.

I like to fancy myself quite differnt - a doer, a risk taker, but I don't seem to be, really.

I know very well that sometimes you have to die to be reborn, to fly into a million pieces to become something new, and more whole,

but I'm still scared like crazy.


David Carl said...

Oh, that's wonderful, to be scared! All the really good stuff is scary! I spent several years at being scared, so I know it doesn't really seem like fun. One day though I asked the demons in for a sit-down so I could get them to explain why they tormented me. They explained that they weren't at all, they were there to give me what I needed most; that it was me causing all the agony by refusing their gift.