A little bummed

My ex-sweetie has a new sweetie, and I'm sad about it. I haven't met this new woman, and I'm trying not to dislike her, but I'm not very good at it.

I am really not cut out for dating. It takes me longer to get over someone than the time I spend with them (usually, it appears) I'm still not really over the person I dated before her (which was clearly one of the problems, but not the only one)

In this case I know (well, I mostly know) that we shouldn't be a couple. There are fundamental differences that make it, while not totally unworkable, less that truly fulfilling for either of us. But we're really good friends and sometimes I find myself really sad that we'll never live together, or be primary in each other's lives, that we may not even know each other in 30 years (or ten!) And part of me wants to believe that would could have/should have/still could work those other things out.

And still, I guess I'm like a dog in the manger. I'm sad to think of her loving someone else that way. And, of course, that may be jumping the gun, they've been dating less than a week, but still.

I just don't "date", myself. Almost everyone I've ever kissed (5 people!) is someone I've at least thought about marrying (with the two males in my teenage years, it was a very brief thought process, but still....) Sex (even kissing!) is just something too vulnerable, or powerful I guess, to be something I could ever do with someone I don't have some sort of trust with, and a sense of some sort of longer term commitment.

Anyway, it's feeling pretty damn lonely right now.

(I wonder if "damn" will make my rating worse?)

My movie rating

Apparently based on the appearance of the "bad" words "hell", "hurt", and "dyke"

scary sillyness

Fire

I was recently talking to folks again about how I used to be slightly concerned that when I set myself to "holding someone in the light" I more often saw them amidst flames than a friendly sort of gro-light. It wasn't hostile, but it wasn't exactly, well, gentle, either.

I've come much more to peace with it recently (and occasionally have visions more like gro-lights) - that God/Truth is not always warm and fuzzy, and powerful, transformative experiences aren't easy.

And fire is coming up a lot lately, in terms of being "on fire" - the passion of early quakers that so many of us feel lacking in our own experience. I find that I tend to think I miss it too, but then I wonder how terrifying it would be to feel that.

I've just taken a job that I like, and that's really cool in a number of ways, but in others it's not totally in keeping with my ethics, in some ways it's diametrically opposed (as I have a renewed interest in/call to step outside "the man"'s society entirely - to be like the birds and the lilies of the field (maybe)

I also just re-read an old post of Zach's discussing some of this, in which one comment was that you can't recapture (?) the fire of early quakers unless it's based in God and guided by Jesus.

I feel like I've harped on this already, but that's just so not true, or at least not apparent, to me. I have little mystical experience (well, rather, little mystical experience -my experience is in ways frequent and quiet - no "burning bushes") but everything I've experienced of the world implies to me that it doesn't depend on calling on Jesus. that that works very well for some, because Jesus makes sense to them, or the story works for them in some way....

But the big mystical "IT" is there anyway, and probably not terribly interested in the words, or even the concepts, that we use as we bumble around. If it's Jesus, I guess I assume he can get through to me (being God and all) even if I don't know his name, if it's something else, perhaps it can get through even if someone can only interpret it as Jesus.

Anyway, I'm craving (and fearing!) that fire too. Not sure how to help way open for it, of if it's simply not there right now (which I rather doubt).

locavorousness (?)

So, a friend tells me the local co-ops are sponsoring some sort of "eat local challenge" this august (perhaps the only time it might be reasonable for a good number of folks up here in the frozen northlad, though of course 100 years ago, or even 50, most people ate mostly local food, I would think)

So, initially, I thought, well, in august you should be able to eat EVERYTHING local. Sometimes I think I'd like to live off tomatoes alone (but then my mouth starts getting sores from the acid...)

But then I thought, no chocolate, no cofee (that's not SO hard, but I usually have some a few times a week), no banannas, etc. Not to mention having to check out things like bread, no rice (except wild rice! mmmmmm!) PLUS, I like to eat in restaurant (hippie/eco-friendly restaurants mostly, but still) - no popsicles, except for homemade.... It will be an interesting challenge for me.


Actually, I think the goal is only 80%, which seems like it should be quite do-able (but measured how? calories? money spent? types of food? weight?)

Right now, I am eating something that I grew in my tiny city-lot yard every day. It's an exciting sort of connectedness, though never enough for a whole meal. Last night I have 6 green beans and a largish cherry tomato with my vegan sausage (made in CA or VT or somewhere) for dinner, very yummy. I am also getting at least 1 raspberry and 1 blueberry each day - my plants are still a bit young. The reliable stuff amidst my gardens is chard and kale. I think I should be able to eat something I grew every day, probably through september, but it will be interesting to see if it ever amounts to 30% of what I eat in a day, which would be nice (and maybe possible when and if the tomatoes come through) - I'm pretty sure I have done so every day since June 1, so hopefully it will be an "all summer" thing.


I have thought about keeping chickens, which is legal with neighbor approval in Minneapolis, but with my three exuberant young dogs, I think I'm already pushing it with the neighbors, and it would hardly be a peaceful place for chickens. It's always in the back of my mind though. I had a duck egg from a fellow "nightengale" (well, her duck) this spring, it was weird, but interesting.

gathering...... hmmm

a few days back from gathering now, and really more exhausted than I am used to ever being. In my worse moments I wonder if I have west nile virus (I vaguely know one person who does, and have friends who think about it more than I do, so it's been more in my thoughts lately.

That would be yucky...

Anyway, it was my first time commuting, which was good in ways but hard in others (one, I hate driving) I would say that both mostly revolve around my tendency to feel unconnected at gathering - like I don't have enough friends, am somehow failing to engage, I am really shy. Commuting made that worse, in ways, because I didn't eat with everyone else, I had even fewer opportunities (always often untaken) to talk to new folks) - and yet, I got to go home, and hang with my critters and water my garden, so it was much better than being trapped in a new place without anyone to talk to.