Saturday, March 31, 2007

Just Checkin' in

I really just can't stand to not have a "March 2007" archive. I don't want to look like a slacker, at least not at first glance :)


Life is slightly crazy. I'm unemployed again, and actually loving it (just not the lack of money, and, well, the lack of purpose a little bit - but having more free time is great!)


Still trying to save dogs from Georgia. I'm working on a transport this weekend, but am hopefully not fostering any of them. It's crazy, as there are a lot of problems much closer to home (even in my own state) but at least locally, it's not nearly as bad. Of course the solution is to set up a mobile vet down there and do guerilla spay and neuter or something, but it's so overwhelming, there are a million ways to approach it, I guess.

I got back in touch with my most dramatic ex. Or, she got in touch with me. I was (am?) crazy about her, literally. It's scary to know people who can make you crazy (or bring out your crazies, or whatever). What's amazing is that she actually finally apologized for huritng me. It's hard to explain how completely floored I was by that, esp. as it had been a point of contention since practially the beginning of our contact ("I never hurt you, if you hurt, it's because you're screwed up").

The sad thing is that it didnt' change things for me as much as I'd like. I guess I forgive her. What does that mean? I don't want her to burn in hell, or suffer in life, but I only wanted that on a few very fleeting occasions anyway. I wouldn't trust her again, and wonder if I ever did. I don't want to be friends, basically because overall she wasnt' nice to me, and I'd say that was an understatement. I still am horrified by both of us back then (we were cheating on her partner, something she, and eventually he, didnt' seem to think was that big a deal)

Anyway, mulling forgiveness, of others, of self, and what does it mean exactly? I don't think anymore that it wipes the slate clean - I'm not sure what it does, and I'm not sure if I've attained it.

Loving her still feels like pretty much the worst thing that ever happpened to me. I acknowledge that much worse things happen to other people all the time, but it seems I've been pretty lucky. My feelings about it helped me understand the concepts of pure evil and satan (especially disguising himself as God). Sounds silly, but it's true. I learned about myself in the process. But as a good friend says (to paraphrase), I think I'd rather know less and be happier.....

I feel like whenever I read about forgiveness, it's mostly people exhorting others (me) to do it, "you really should, you know, for your own sanity" (or for God, or whatever) - but how? It's not something I feel I can choose to "do" - it seems like grace or something, something that descends upon you, when you're ready, or open, enough.

3 comments:

forrest said...

Ow!

So this is the post you were referring to...

You love whom you love, even if sometimes you pull back a bloody stump. And don't feel quite the same, after that.

But how much of what we call "love" is simply hope?

"Pure evil"? "Satan"? Have you read Walter Wink's chapter about the concept of "Satan" in _Unmasking the Powers_? An illuminating inversion of the conventional misunderstanding...

Canst thou "judge not" and move into a no-fault, harm-reduction universe?

earthfreak (Pam) said...

Hmmm...

Good questions, Forest.

I suppose I am trying to "judge not" - but it's getting easier, as the wounds are years old now, and perhaps, more and more, I have given up that "hope" which proved so painful to me in the past.

I find your reaction sort of unhelpful, though, part of my point is that I already have PLENTY of people telling me that forgiveness is the way to go - but how the heck do you do that?

As for pure evil, and satan, I didnt' say that she WAS those things, I was actually careful to say (and to remind myself) that the experience helped me to understand why the concepts exist. And it did, I remember having many moments when I thought, "oh, so this is what that's like...."

Am I supposed to lie about the fact that that was my experience? Am I simply supposed to stifle it? Am I supposed to be Jesus or Gandhi or someone and simply be so at peace with the universe that nothing can hurt me? or that I'm busy loving my tormentors through the whole thing? Well, I'm not Jesus or Gandhi. If you have hints on how to reach that stage of enlightenment, I'd love to hear them, but just telling me that I'm a bad person (which isn't what you said, but to some extent what I hear behind your words) because I can't isn't helpful.


The bloody stump analagy, though, that's quite apt.

earthfreak (Pam) said...

Oh, and thanks for the suggestion,

I havent' read Walter Wink at all, but I will look that book up!